TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a really good toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away. Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Bright shiny things like keys, coins or jewelry are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. Dangly things like shoelaces, gold chains and dental floss make excellent toys. Dangled string/chains magically become a String Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care. Humans are sneaky and will make you lose your dignity if the game goes on too long.
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GAMES: Catch Mouse The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse! King of the Hill This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
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PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a sneak attack.
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FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and scamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.
1) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
2) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
3) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
4) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite bring it into the house to share.
5) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the dignity of a cat to beg outright for food, as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap; purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the direct stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
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SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
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SCRATCHING POSTS:
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!
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HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. |