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"Mr. Mistofellees" from the musical "Cats"

How To Give Your Cat A Pill
(Peggy Althoff)

  1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently. "That's a nice kitty." Drop the pill in its mouth.

  3. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

  5. Follow the Step 1 procedure, but hold the cat's front paws down with your left hand and back paws with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into mouth with right forefinger.

  7. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle (resist impulse to get new cat).

  9. Again proceed as in Step 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop pill in--quickly. As your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.

  11. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

  13. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

  15. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming the position outlined in Step 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...oops!

  17. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing chaos.

  19. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

  21. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

  23. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

  25. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach (resist impulse to flatten cat).

  27. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man--or woman.

  29. Resume position specified in Step 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

  31. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

  33. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

  35. Take two aspirin and lie down.

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